Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

this is the best interaction on twitter