Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!