[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.