Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Who’s ready for Friday?!

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.