Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle