HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.