Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

As the Lord intended

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Twitter fine art

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING