Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary