Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.