Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: You鈥檙e going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We鈥檙e almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We鈥檙e at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn鈥檛 know I was going to daycare
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won鈥檛 eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I鈥檝e said it before and I鈥檒l say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you鈥檒l never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU鈥橵E ARRIVED