Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
watching gymnastics
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.