Hitlers gonna hitl
You Might Also Like
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
What
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets