Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

what it’s like dating me:

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.