Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

True statement👍😏😁

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Wait for it

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs