hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
#Thanos #MondayMood
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.