Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX