hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Leonardo DiCaprisun
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch