hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
🙀🙀🙀😹
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Give us this day our daily internet validation
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.