Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.