Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw