Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital