Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

I can’t be the only one 😂

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Wasps: bees, but not helping

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.