Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

it takes so much energy

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.