HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Solving a traffic jam
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.