Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.