Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn