Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself