my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!