Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news