Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.