*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Holy crap this is wonderful
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.