*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine