*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Beware…..
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me if I was a dog
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time