*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Day 2 of my diet
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up