Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

learning about math 🧐 📝

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once