*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive