*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Shower sex be like:
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder