Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my lower back watching me try to live my life

🤣

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.