Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭