[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.