Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
This is so me 😂😂
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year