Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
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Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?