Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Oops I deleted….

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.