Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I know
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’ve had worse
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Guantanamo Bae
gentlemen, hear me out
