Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Chemical wingman
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.