Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
🙀🙀🙀😹
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.