Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?