hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
reviewed some movies recently
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)