hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.