hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You Might Also Like
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.