Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Crying is a sign of leakness.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion