Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.