Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Talk about a bad egg

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND