Hmm 馃
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Don’t touch that.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
When you try jalape帽os for the first time
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there鈥檚 butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.