Hmm 🧐
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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