Hmm 🧐
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6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Hmm 🧐
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.