Hmm 🧐
You Might Also Like
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
TODAY
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I have two kinds of followers
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.