Hmm 🧐
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “