hmm conte-me mais
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
No. YOU-buprofen.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A classic…
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.