hmm conte-me mais
You Might Also Like
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes