Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single