hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”