hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The three genders.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
my one true gender
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?