hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This is not me but this is me
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)