Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I love you…

…r dog.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.