Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.