Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.


Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.


Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.


Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.


Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?


Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga


[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.