Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
just got my engagement photos
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I have questions??
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us