I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.
Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[picking name for new puppy]