Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.