Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

#dnd #ttrpg

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME