Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

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HEYYYY MACARENA

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

no way 😭

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.