Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

dutch so unserious

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?