Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

I am never leaving this website

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French