Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Oh yeh? Explain this then
