Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Breaking news:
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.